Ha! Hormones!!

To be perfectly honest, I've started this Blog with a bit of a lie. It isn't my second pregnancy, it's my definite third and possible forth. I had a miscarriage a few years ago, and a possible one in April this year, and I have a beautiful 19 month old daughter, but more of that later.

Every one always tells me that it will be easier now that I have a child already, and that I will know when there's something wrong with the pregnancy, or even when I'm being irrational, but to be perfectly honest I don't.

I've just had an awful argument with my husband all because he left me asleep on the sofa while he watched the England match, and didn't wake me up. I think I was annoyed because of having a bad back, and he knows full well that it makes it worse when I sleep on the sofa, but it still didn't mean that I should have shouted at him like I did. I was also in a bad mood because I had been at my mums all day. I'm signed off work for a pregnancy related infection, and my little girl can be very hard work, so I went to mums for a bit of support. Not that I got any. I ended up running around after her and my daughter the whole time. And then I find an email that she sent to her friend in America berating me for her apparently waiting on me hand and foot and treating the pregnancy like an illness.

That annoyed me just ever so slightly.

Let me explain. The pregnancy I had with my daughter was very difficult, and painful, and very nearly tragic. I bled early on on several occasions, I couldn't pee for a month, and the Braxton hicks!!! Well, I was threatening to sue all the magazines that said they weren't painful because they bloody well are!! She was born a month early, by emergency C-Section because her heart kept stopping, she only weighed 4lbs, and was whisked off to the Special Care Baby Unit, so I didn't even get to hold her. I was also a pre-aclampsia risk. I won't harp on about it, but it was not an enjoyable pregnancy.

Neither is this one so far. I have already got a bloody water infection, which incidentally, is not only causing me to pee every five minutes or so, but is also bloody painful. I don't even know how far gone I am yet, or the due date, but I have already got a bump and have already had to start wearing maternity jeans because my normal Levi's are digging in painfully. So when I saw that email my mum had sent, I just thought, 'right, no more bloody prisoners. I have had enough.' Hence the row with my husband this evening for leaving me on the sofa.

I've been sat up all night reading as a result, with my husband lying at the side of me looking like a wounded war hound. The only sounds I could hear was the sound of himself and my daughter snoring. I think that's why I decided to up sticks and start typing. After crying for about half an hour at the side of my daughters cot. It's ridiculous. The row didn't even mean anything, but now I'm questioning am I really happy? Is this what I really want? To live in a ramshackle flat with extortionate rent and cope on little money (my husband and I although we both work full time, and have College Educations have got Crap Jobs)?

I think it's just the hormones. I hope it's just the hormones. I hate the bloody hormones.

Last time I was pregnant, I went through stages of being apoletic either with rage, histerics or immense sadness. It could only be eased by eating hundreds of Chocolate mini rolls. Needless to say I put on tons of weight. I hope to all the Gods that people have ever believed in that it doesn't happen this time, although to be honest, it already looks too late.

I feel so sorry for my husband...